This is very true. Self-doubt has been something I’ve been dealing with for years. And Sylvia Plath is right. It is the worst enemy to creativity. Sometimes I inhibit myself in writing certain things or even during readings because I think what I’m seeing is bullshit. Like, it can’t be true. I don’t know this person except for a birth date, city and time. Yet every reading I do, everyone says they are “creepily accurate.” Then they ask for more of my services. Weird? Right? I guess it’s just me. I got better at doing things over the years, but I swear I had an ‘opening’ and my gifts just went crazy one day and now I’m closer to being a seer than I ever was before. Maybe it was just maturity.
I doubted myself. Now I’m understanding the whole process of doubt. It sabotages you. It sets you up to fail. As a fledgling magician/Demonolator, it can be hard, especially when you are solitary. Just know that books will help quite a bit with this path. And there are other resources online. When I was learning, one book was made available and one website was launched originally. I treasured the book and got enrolled in Demonolatry University. I learned a lot. It wasn’t much later that I got into a group and got baptized and initiated. But I was lucky. I consider my journey atypical. The Demons led me to this path and I have always had a love for it, even when I did not practice.
Some may have thought I was trying to earn my way too quickly when I was in the ATR’s, but it’s not true. I had patience. The teachers wouldn’t teach me because they knew I couldn’t pay my way. They want $$$$. The man who still is my godfather is different. He knows my truth in Palo. He knows I’m supposed to be in it, but that I don’t want to pay for it, can’t afford it anyway, and he needs another initiation himself. If someone thinks otherwise, then they are sadly mistaken. I’m very respectful of those paths, I never had a power trip/head trip in the ATR’s, and things are still open for me if I want to revisit Palo someday. I may, if I have the money. I have no doubt with that path.
Demonolatry is such a rewarding path though, compared to others. The energy flows really evenly. I like that. When I was imbalanced years ago, energy was all erratic and I couldn’t even meditate very well. But I do meditation differently than others. I can still meditate and smoke a cigarette at the same time. I’m IN the moment. My brain is focused on magic, ritual, divination, whatever it is. I just sit and have a conversation in ascension with whichever Demon I’m working with. It’s also weird that I can do my magic and do something unrelated at the same time…
You may doubt this. Do I have self-doubt here? Nope.
I’m just rambling now…so this has turned into a “Random Rambling.”