Feeling Yet Again, Disappointed…

I dunno. Maybe I don’t think I have the right godfather. I’m so fucking frustrated, I want to take my laptop and smash it into little pieces. If only I had gone to Mexico when I had the chance! Now I cannot locate my old pal down in Baja. So sad. <ripping hair out of head> I don’t know what to do. Most Paleros in America overcharge for their ceremonies and it’s fucking ridiculous. I think Palo costs too much as it is. Is it really worth it??? My godfather says it is worth the wait and that I’d be kicking myself if I passed this up. Fuck if I know. Really?

It’s been six years, two with him…I just don’t have the excited feelings anymore. I do love the religion and still work with kimpungulu, it’s just that I haven’t gone past that and it’s like I’ve hit a fucking brick wall. Students can’t do this, or that…

I do enjoy work with the Demons. They seem to have entered my life again and my thoughts. All these years spent as a non-Demonolator, doesn’t matter because I’ve always acknowledged them. As powerful, wise, infinite beings that help us in our daily lives, look after us and in turn, we love them too. I could still call myself a Demonolator, but I don’t want to label myself because I’m just a simple Bruja. I’m thinking now that I may not want ANY religious affiliation…

You can do magic without religion. Plain ol Witchcraft or Brujeria. My titles are true. Bruja. Demon enthusiast. Herbalist, muertera, espiritista, psychic medium/empath, seer (cowrie shells, Demonic sigil cards and ascension).

It just isn’t working anymore. I’m tired. I get good results, but I know that there is more to Palo that I cannot see or work. So why keep going that direction if I can’t learn right now? And why not focus on learning about Demons, when I have an apprentice who is making them more aware to me?

Why not kick ass and do some awesome shit, instead of feeling disappointed?!

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