Random Ramblings: Random…Hmmm…things…

Apparently, I have fans of my videos. I have at least 6 subscribers and I just started making videos. Personally, I think I’m a bit dull with a crazy sense of humor. And I’m by no circumstance comfortable making videos because I’m not happy about saying “ummm” or “uhhh’ all the goddamned time. I’m very shy. And have social phobia. It’s so bad..my friend here in town has social phobia too and we can barely muster enough strength to hang out maybe twice a year. I love her, she’s great. I think it’s mutual. But we are both affected with maladies that don’t allow us to hang out much. Plus I’m a smoker. I do want to quit but I know I’m not ready – my life has a lot of stress right now and if I didn’t smoke, I think I’d go bonkers. It calms me. Even though nicotine is a stimulant. LOL.

That ran a little off topic. Should I continue to make videos or not? They make me nervous as hell though and you all would have to watch me get over this phobia, at least online. And NOT laugh at me.

So I just sit here, pondering. I do have a love of YouTube channels, especially like “confessional” types or people doing subcultures with how-to’s, etc. I wish I could have been on YouTube when I was in my 20’s. I had good advice. I was allowed to dress gothic, but I wasn’t allowed to be part of the subculture or go to any gothic events. The “wasn’t allowed to” was from my ex-husband. I only did something with his approval. He was the judge. Bad relationship. Glad we’re divorced. The bummer thing now is, I feel way too old to be any part of the subculture. I know there are lots of elder goths out there. I’m a child of early (1940’s) baby boomers. I have a brother who is 8 years older than me. He was just the right age to be in the punk/goth scene when it was pioneering. My generation is when they started perfecting it. Identifying it. People say it’s Bauhaus that started goth. I really don’t have any idea. Anyhoo..

Not very occulty, is it? I got that in my teens. In the 7th grade. Got fascinated quickly. My friend Sarah introduced me to a Ouija board. Then horoscopes. Then I found my brother’s magical books. By the 8th grade, I was identifying myself as a Wiccan.

Took me many years to make it into Palo. Not until almost six years ago. I’ve learned SO much in these past six years. From different people – Tata’s. I had a really good friend in Mexico, miss him to death. He is a Tata and he told me that whatever I do is pretty much golden. Like I work with the Kimpungulu correctly, I am great at magic, etc. My current godfather believes this too. I can’t wait to see him in January. It’s all set up, bought my tickets and everything. We are doing some ritual together, I am going to learn his Daemonic tradition too.

I am growing as a person. My religion is set. I find myself getting more interested in the gothic subculture because I was never a real part of it…only been to goth night at a club twice in my life. I now wear more makeup as I mature. I guess I’ll be a mid-age goth. I don’t have to wear the makeup, dye my hair or wear black to be a goth. But I have ALWAYS listened to the music. That is where it comes from. As I’ve said before, if I were to put myself into one of the genres of goth, I would be a Trad Goth. I drink coffee, I smoke, I listen to punk/postpunk, new wave – mostly 70’s and 80’s music. Not a fan of much current goth. I do like Savages though. They are the closest thing to post punk that we have in this digital age.

Blah blah blah. I will TRY to make more videos. I have some subscribers and I don’t want to let people down. 🙂 I may do some of the “goth tags” on YouTube. It’s going to be a mixed channel. An occult and goth channel. These are NOT synonymous with each other – so DO NOT put me in that stereotype. A lot of us ARE Pagans. But there are MANY religions that Gothic people practice.

Well, this post ends. Hope this wasn’t miserable for you all.



3 thoughts on “Random Ramblings: Random…Hmmm…things…

Add yours

  1. Most of the video bloggers I know felt very self-conscious when starting out. It gets better the more you do it. The umms will naturally go away with time if you try to be aware of them when you talk. No need to beat yourself up about it. And if you feel you want to improve, there are books on presentation skills and public speaking. Chances are there are Youtube videos on the subject as well.


      1. Apparently statistics say most people are more afraid of public speaking than facing death. Books on the subject tend to show ways of getting around that fear. I’d say just picture your audience in their underwear, but some of them might actually be LOL

        Liked by 1 person

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